Category Archives: journal

22
Jan

Is this the best of me…?

Is this the best of me….the best I can be? And if I work real hard to be the very best I can…will that make me happy?

11
Sep

Down day…

Yesterday I was really depressed and nothing I did helped. I tried going for a run but I had to stop after 4 km because my emotional state was showing through with body pains. Running normally helps me think and sort out any stresses…it clears my mind but this time it just wasn’t enough. So instead of fighting it I stayed in bed most of the day. I cuddled up to a some good movies and drowned my sorrows away.

Today I woke up feeling much better and even my run showed as well, it was actually one of my best runs thus far. Today I have a smile on my face and I embrace the return of my comical side. All-in-all I guess I needed the day off.

4
Jun

My glass is always empty

I’ve realized that my glass is always empty and I seek the company of a guy to fill it. When I’m dating a guy, he’s all I think about and all I want. And my empty glass gets filled with all that is him and then I feel complete. I get completely wrapped up in him, and who he is, that I am a mere reflection or attachment of him and not my own person. If he and I are apart, my glass starts to empty and I long to fill it again with him.

But why do I long for someone else to fill my glass and why is it even empty?

I can only attribute the state of my glass to the many changes in my life. When I decided to moved to the Netherlands, I wanted to change everything that I was, do the things that make me happy and not what was expected of me. I’ve lived a lie for so many years that I don’t even know who I am. I am on a quest to find who I am and the things that make me happy. I want my glass to be full with all the things that I love to do before I seek someone else.

The principle behind these quotes is what fuel my journey…

You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy.” – Author Unknown

He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals.” – Benjamin Franklin

Living life without self-courtship has a high cost. We risk losing our sensuality, our senses, precious moments with those we love, our smile, and our joy. When we romance ourselves, it prepares a fertile garden for a profusion of love to bloom in all areas of our lives. We regain passion and now becomes a moment not to be missed!” – Corrie Woods

15
May

These Four Walls

I live inside these four walls I call home. Sometimes it can be a prison I look forward to breaking out, but most times it's where I go to find freedom to just be me.

Unknown

8
May

Eleven years ago

Today, eleven years ago, my mother passed away – May 8, 2000. It’s a day that I can’t forget. I remember the time and place when I found out she had passed. I had just spent the weekend at Six Flags in Atlanta, GA. When I returned home I got a call from my cousin informing me of the bad news. I clearly remember feeling an out-of-body experience and not fully comprehending what was being said. It was hard news because my mother was my ALL. She was the rock in my life. If I had an issue or if I needed to make a decision I would talk it out with her and she would be the voice of reason and she always knew the right thing to do. Everything would be alright, no matter the situation, after speaking with her.

Eleven years ago, Mother’s day, I buried my dear mother, Donna Ingrid Sweeney. Because of this, Mother’s day has always been a sad day for me. I always think back to the times we spent together or funny things she would say but on Mother’s day it all comes rushing back…sometimes more than I can bear without a tear. I try to be a man about it, hold back the emotion and show the brave, strong Tré but deep inside I’m just a big momma’s boy. To this very day I miss her dearly and wish life was different.

This year is especially harder for me because not only is it Mother’s day but its also the day she passed, so I will try to keep my mood up and think of all the good things that my mother has taught me and remember all the good times we spent together.

18
Apr

Roller-coaster of emotions

I’m going through a roller-coaster of emotions. My heart tells me one thing and then there’s my mind that says another. I’m in constant turmoil. And when I think that I’ve got myself stable with both parties happy, I get a text or a call from him and I’m right back to where I started.

It’s been 3 months of getting to know him and going thru this. After every date I’m left feeling confused about what’s going on between us. On some level I feel that I’m closer to him than when I started and then I get reminded that I’m still at arm’s length away. What is going on here?

My heart says, “I like him. He’s cute and sweet. Yes, it’s a weird situation but go for it and see what happens. You are too cautions and ‘by the RULES’ on everything…live a little.” But my mind is screaming, “You know this doesn’t feel right…I know you feel it. The situation is too complicated and you are getting too emotionally attached and it will only end in heartbreak for YOU! Stop it now before you get hurt!!!”

I’m done with this roller-coaster. I like the highs but the lows seem to last forever and I’m just not getting anywhere. I’m the only one on this ride and I’m choosing to get off while I still can. I’m going to side with my mind, heed the warning signs of trouble ahead and turn around and walk (maybe even run) away.

I hope this is the right decision.

26
Nov

Facebook pictures and relationships

I had a conversation with two friends the other night and they thought that me having pictures of my ex-boyfriend in my Facebook pictures is a bad thing. They thought that any future boyfriend would have a problem with his partner having pictures of their exes on their Facebook (the same goes for Myspace). I don’t really see any harm in having the pictures there. It was good times in my life and I posted the picture at the time of the event…why should I remove the pictures now that we are no longer in a relationship? Especially when I don’t have any bad feelings for my exes.

So they indicated that they would have removed the pictures from public view and keep it on their computer, if it was them. But how much worse is that? Having pictures of your computer, hidden away…that sounds like a far worse relationship crime. And if they weren’t per-say ‘hidden away’ and the partner knew about them then what is the use of having to take down pictures of an ex when the relationship is all over. Seems like a whole of hassle for nothing.

My contention is that the pictures of the ex should stay up and if my future partner has questions or doubts of who he is or my feelings or intentions of the pictures then a conversation needs to occur. Open and honest communication is going to be the key to working through any problems and if there isn’t communication but instead assumptions then the saying is true of what happens when we assume.

25
Oct

The best part of me

What is the best part of me? This is sometimes the question I ask myself during times where self-evaluation is my focus, much of what I have been doing last week. My time of introspection was filled with identifying and understanding my emotional state; as emotions are crucial to one’s happiness and play a significant role in how we experience ourselves and respond to the world around us.

I’m still getting to know more about myself each day, even at 31, and I realize that I find the best part of me more and more in the least likely places.

Understanding the ideas and values which underlie our emotions is to be on the road toward understanding the unique personal way each of us comes at life. Understanding your emotions enables you to get in touch with what is uniquely you: your individuality. The more you know what you value, the greater is your sense of your own identity and the more you will know who you are. – Edith Packer, J.D., Ph.D.

12
Jul

Times like these

Times like this moment are the times that I miss my mom the most. I don’t know why; is it the loneliness of being so far away from what I know, maybe an emotion that stirs a memory, the fact that I miss sharing with her or simply all the above?

What I do know is that sometimes it’s the little things that can trigger the urge to cry out (and sometimes just simply cry). Its in everything; a mother hugging her son goodbye, a daughter receiving a heart-felt present from her mother or a mother caring for her newborn. They all fill me with memories that rush in like a flood, sometimes over-powering and makes me wish that life was different that she wouldnt have left so unexpectedly.

I have these amazing dreams where she’s alive and I’m back in my old life, old home and we are just hanging around, talking and the conversation is so easy and fluid. In these dreams I’m so happy that she is back that I want to tell her everything that has happened to me. Then my dream ends and the truth sets in. Those wake ups are never easy.

This year makes it 10 years since her passing and I’m still struggling through it. I’m not certain if I just haven’t completely delt with it (can one really just deal with it?) or if this is what coping is like. But there are times like these were I wish life was different.

10
Jul

Early start

Today, a Saturday, I started my day off at 6am. This was a first for me on a weekend day because I usually get the day going at 11am, at the earliest. However, today was different. Today I was out of the bed and through the door by 7am running errands and getting stuff done. To my amazement, I got a lot accomplished, yeah who knew, and I even had time to relax and take a nap.

Another good thing that came out of today was that I felt motivated to cook. In the entire month and a half that I’ve been living in my new apartment today was the first day I’ve actually prepared a real meal, a meal that didn’t consist of bread, cheese & meat. My inability to cook, or laziness, needs to change. My challange to myself – cook more often; whether that is by just experimenting, buying a cooking book, taking a class, whatever it takes.

Why haven’t I woken up this early before? I blame the strong forces that held me down (my bed sheets were overpowering my will and keeping me hostage till mid-day), or maybe my laziness has always gotten the best of me, I think that is a bit more realistic. Let’s see how tomorrow shapes up, maybe I can continue this new trend.

Tré Sweeney…..

Welcome to the written documentation of a crazy man. He seems normal to most....but he is slowly un-winding at the seems and will one day explode.

Don't feed the crazies!

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TreSweeney
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